Brooke Welty is the Clam’s Chief Marketing Executive which has a hefty paycheck of “nothing” and is responsible for trying to get us more than 4 twitter followers with her elite social media skills. In her virgin offering to the Clam, she explains what she has learned so far as a newcomer to Cape Ann.
- Gloucester is a very old town, with very old roads. The roads will make every effort to destroy your shocks, and your spirit. Also, Grant Circle is pretty much Thunderdome. Equip your car with some weaponry, spikes, and something which shoots flames, and you’ll be all set.
Gloucester is also is full of terrifying lawless zones known as “intersections.” These include the confluence of Railroad, Maplewood and Prospect, marked by a big green buoy (I think?) which looks like someone haphazardly jammed it into the road, leaving the city planners to say “Fuck it, we’ll stick some signs on it, people can drive around it.”
- What the hell is a “bomb” sub? I had a conversation that went like this:
Me: “What’s in a chicken bomb”
Her::”It’s the bomb sub, but with chicken.
Me: “Yes, but what’s in it?”
Her: “It’s just the regular bomb, with chicken.”
Me: “I’ll have the chicken fingers.”
3. People on Eastern Point hate interlopers. The roads are festooned with signs trying to make you turn around, get lost, and then give up. It’s the equivalent of the big stone faces in Labyrinth shouting at Sarah to try and scare her away, only with nicer hedges.
The guard on Eastern Point will look menacingly into your car, like a squinty eyed police detective, trying to decide if he should let you pass or not. I want to ask him if he has a checklist to help him decide. I bet he has a skin tone paint color swatch to check against the interlopers.
4. There is no decent fried chicken to be found…anywhere on Cape Ann, it seems. I mean, you guys fry oysters like no one’s business, and damn those are delicious. Try doing that to a chicken.
5. THERE IS NO INDIAN FOOD I KNOW WE JUST WENT OVER THIS BUT STILL. Which is surprising, given how people in this town love beer. Indian is natural drunk food.
6. There are a shit load of antique/junk shops. If you want to find that perfect knickknack that makes you feel like you’re back at grandma’s house, you’ll be all set.
7. There are also a metric butt-ton of niche touristy specialty shops. How many handcrafted jewelry pieces can one gal own, anyway? And with the amount of breezy scarves you’d think we all dress like the Golden Girls. (I secretly covet Dorothy’s power shoulder pads though.)