Behold, Supermoon! Moons Over My Clammy Edition

Cops, parents, and retail workers will tell you that human beings become even more awful and unmanageable during a full moon, something about the tides and humans being 73.8% saltwater that shakes us up and makes us pointed jerks. Well what about a Supermoon in Gloucester? Field Clam-porter Jeremy McKeen was on the scene this past weekend trying to make sense of the phenomenon known as “Supermoon” and its effect on Fishtown. The results were not typical, however.

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Just like a factoid is in fact a wrong fact, not a “little fact” (as most often is reported, incorrectly), most people report the wrong definition of factoid so much that the word factoid has become the definition of itself, which is a cliched, trivial fact that has lost its meaning and is reported incorrectly over and over and is eventually accepted as whatever the meaning is that is attributed to it over and over. Whew.

The Supermoon, or “closer moon” is indeed a variety of factoid. But that doesn’t mean the myths don’t ring true.

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FROM THE FIELD: DAY OF THE SUPERMOON

It turns out that Gloucester parents and kids are so beach-worn that the moon has very little effect in general. The vitamin D from the sun and their slight dehydration negates the effects of the moon pushing and pulling the tides within their tanned bodies. This leads to a calming acceptance of strange occurrences and occasions when something “full moon” happens, and something is always happening in Fishtown, whether you’re listening to neighbors set off fireworks or yet another Block Party or Bazaar work full motion toward the work week.

Landlocked masses trekked to Stage Fort Park peaceably from every part of Massachusetts, despite nine festivals happening simultaneously as well as three family reunions, four church picnic gatherings, eleven independent gatherings needing grills (who all properly disposed of their coals, as the stone monuments say), a smattering of dog park people, and locals trying to avoid the beach. Representatives from all separate Blues, Reggae, Folk, Alt. Country, Bike, Shriners, Worm, Cat, and Crafting festivals said that everything was beautiful and no one got hurt. The Cat Festival almost got out of hand when the crafters misplaced a giant ball of yarn, which was later located behind the Cupboard. With or without the Supermoon, you would have been able to predict that joke. Not the Glostafarians, though. They’re surprisingly humorless.

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The night of the Supermoon I was returning to the McDonald’s/7-11 parking lot in exchange for a boy’s toy for my son’s Happy Meal – he received the Barbie toy instead, and if kids know anything about a $3 meal it’s that it should come with fruit and a gender-specific toy. The usual characters in this parking lot were orderly and few, and even the Redbox customers were timely and found exactly what they wanted. No one left their car running while choosing a movie or visiting inside for discounted cigarettes. Even the customers next door at the Car Wash tipped extra well.

Still, nothing much. The moon was fuller and closer. Where were the teenage werewolves breaking in the new field or wandering coyotes slurping out of backyard pools?

FROM THE POLICE LOG:

– A group of teenagers was apprehended outside of a Washington Street convenience store not soliciting adults to buy alcohol or vaping units but rather looking for notebooks and writing utensils to finish their summer reading, after which they planned on flossing and brushing, and going to bed at a reasonable hour.

– Man, 62, was caught using his turn signal at the Eastern Ave. Shaw’s impossible intersection. The man, who obeyed all the rules of traffic, was neither headed to the beach nor to the supermarket. He had no trouble navigating the six directions of traffic either.

– Woman, 44, with accomplices, parked legally and carried their trash to the barrel after their time at Good Harbor Beach, and parking at Stop & Shop was plentiful.

– Man, 27, paid charges and fees for placing his 4Loko cans in a neighbor’s recycling bin. The local man said he thought the bin was his and was remorseful for littering but was even moreso remorseful for being someone who is 27 and purchases 4Loko.

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– Niles Beach parking was orderly and minimal from the hours of 12 and 3PM both Saturday and Sunday. And all the ice cream man’s prices were lowered 50 cents.

– Wingaersheek Beach slushies were reported to have stayed firm between the slushie cart and townie family blanket several hundred meters away.

– The larger-than-life but not larger-than-the-Death-Star “Supermoon” caused five Tedeschi regulars to ask even more questions about the taste of Mavericks vs. Checkers cigarettes and whether or not it was smarter to save money usually spent on scratch tickets than to spend it all every day on never winning.

– Local dog owners were not cited for leaving their dog doo-doo on the sidewalk. “We’re all waiting for late fall to let the steaming piles of our dog’s dookie sit and decompose during winter. Then – you know, so it’s just the right mix of mushy and nasty, children can step on it when the snow melts,” said local dog owner.

– A local gathering on the Annisquam River was dispersed after authorities mistook 30-something parents imitating hipsters. They were enjoying ‘smores un-ironically, drinking IPA in cans not Mason jars (mistaken for Pabst Blue Ribbon), and wearing regular glasses, not oversized novelty glasses. Their children, however, were cited for similar offenses.

– Local astronomers gathered to look at the “Supermoon” noting that a “Supermoon” is just a regular moon appearing eight percent bigger than normally, and up to thirty percent brighter than a normal full moon. “It’s like “Polar Vortex” or “Electoral College Super Voters” in terms of new made-up media phrases that sound official,” said group spokesman.

– Local supermarket employees returned to work after striking for several weeks. CEOs applauded their collective effort and offered them real pensions, health coverage, and a living wage. CEOs also contemplated splitting up their large, mainly carb-only product-carrying supermarkets into smaller farmers markets and craft food shops. “With all these millions of dollars it’s like I have the power to do good and not ill,” said local CEO millionaire.

– Local man, 35, writes “KEEP GLOUCESTER WEIRD” on local Gloucester Facebook page to the chagrin of real locals and confused transplants and then quickly deletes it.

– Local Shark enthusiast and expert, 55, told authorities that despite the “Shark Week” phenomenon in America, sharks are no more a threat than they ever were to Gloucester locals, and despite 300 million years of evolution, sharks are mostly cartilage and have not changed much over time.

A blessed Supermoon to you all, and beware the horizon.

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