This year’s back to school season is remarkable for my family because it’s the first year our kids enter the Gloucester Public School system – our older son, Nathan, is entering Kindergarten over at East Gloucester Elementary. We “choiced in”, which basically means we “bring down the per-capita income of families in the school by several thousand dollars a year”. We’re downtown people, used to downtown things like “empty nip bottles thrown where your kids play” and “getting everything that isn’t lashed down stolen by a bearded man pushing a baby carriage with no baby in it.” East Gloucester is a weird but awesome hippie/hipster/edgy utopia where people watch each other’s kids and walk into each other’s sheds to borrow and return tools. Return tools they borrowed. Can you imagine? The decadence.
Therefore, the 2014 school supply list was a bit of a shock to our system. We expected glue sticks, crayons, and washable markers. But this is what we got:
1. A Kayak
2. Kale Chips
3. Pencils hand-hewn by local underemployed woodcrafters
4. Organic, free-range backpack
5. Macbook Pro (New or under 6 months old)
6. Chuck Taylor Hi-Tops in a color besides black
7. A feather and dipping ink
8. Homemade recycled paper notebooks tied with ukelele strings.
9. Non-GMO Paint Pens
10. Lunches prepared entirely from a CSA or farm share.
There were other parameters as well. All mothers must volunteer in either long flowy skirts with clogs or ripped denim and Vans. Dads must wear horn-rimmed glasses and be well-versed in how to refinish a hardwood floor. Younger siblings must be in cloth diapers.
I can’t wait.
(I shouldn’t have to point out that this is satire. But, here we are, where I point out that no, this is not the real school supply list. God, some of you people.)