Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.
We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.
The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.
So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.
We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.
And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.
This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.
The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.
Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.
And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.
The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.
There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!
But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.
Of course, they catch a fish. So does The Tuna.com. I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.
I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.
The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.
It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).
Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.