Vegas and Our Impending Casino Deal

Howdy, Clampadres! I’m fresh from the hot desert hell that is Las Vegas, where I was just at a convention for the job that kind of pays me. I’ve seen some things, and some stuff. Here is an abbreviated list of some of the eyebrow-raising shenanigans I observed:

– A drive through pawn shop and payday loan place.

'Murica.

‘Murica.

– A guy with white tube socks and sandals with a chinese symbol tattooed on his neck.

– An entire shop dedicated to those dumb bowler/trillby hats that men’s rights activists and neckbeards flock to.

– Pete Rose signing autographs inside a store with no one there. Two days in a row.

It was like this except worse.

It was like this except worse.

– A drunk man hanging halfway out of his motorized wheelchair.

– Walking into a bathroom stall that I thought was empty except a drunk teenager was vomiting in it.

The casino culture here got me thinking about what will eventually happen if the proposed casino development at Suffolk Downs goes forward. What will those casinos be like?  We have so much local flare here on the Noath Shore, of course it’s going to carry over into our assuredly world-class gambling facility. There’s no way we can be as insane as Vegas, but we can try our best. Therefore, I assume the following will happen once this casino opens:

– Stripper poles will all be equipped with cupholders that are large enough to hold a Dunk’s iced with a hot cup over it.

– 75% of the casino will basically be the part of Tedeschi’s where people just sit around a table and watch the KENO screen.

Like that, but with more Miracle on Ice shit on the walls.

Like that, but with more Miracle on Ice shit on the walls.

– Scratch tickets everywhere. Like, more than usual. Enough to blow onto the tarmac at Logan. I mean, they have all that snow removal equipment anyway, they can probably just use it year-round now.

– Cirque de Sully: Instead of breathtaking acrobatic feats, it’s just a bunch of former frat dudes with basketball shorts and Sox hats on who joined Crossfit and want to show off their sweet-ass squat jumps. Yo, Petey can even do a backflip. It’s epiiiic.

– Carl Everett signing autographs at the big dinosaur outside the Science Museum.

Google Image Search comes through with another winner.

Google Image Search comes through with another winner.

– A guy with white tube socks and sandals with a chinese symbol tattooed on his neck.

I, for one, am looking forward to the casino. I mean, look at Vegas. We’ve got all those pretty lights and a casino company raking in profits, and then the crippling poverty a few miles away. It’s what America’s all about!

 

 

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