KT’s Wicked Tuna North vs South Recap: Episode 2, “Southern Discomfort”

Hello again, ladies and gentlefolk who read this blog. I’m back again to regale you with tales o’ the sea, as told by the Discovery Channel on Sundays at 10. Mostly so you don’t have to watch this abysmal show. You’re welcome. I accept donations of cash, beer, or Chuck Taylors in size 8.5.

Last we left off, the Gloucesterfolk who needed more of a paycheck from Discovery and/or the Ocean headed south to bother some other fishermen who wear camouflage everything and literally shoot their guns at the ocean. Fun times.

Right off the bat, HERE COMES STONERBOAT. Aww yiss! My reason for watching! But, I don’t see his crew. Stonesy McGee then explains that he hired experienced help. That help is Paul Hebert. What could go wrong?

Tyler has already started yawning 10 seconds into his segment. This bodes well.

Tyler has already started yawning 10 seconds into his segment. This bodes well.

Anyway, they show up and immediately hook a fish on the way down. It is then that I notice their actual fishing line is yellow, red and green. This Bob Marley white folk shit is out of control. They lose the fish, probably smoke a bunch, and then everybody local all of a sudden notices they have arrived.

And then the one guy with the gun just starts shooting.

Literally.

Got problems? Shoot 'em away!

Got problems? Shoot ’em away!

I don’t get this fucking show, at all. I’m actually regretting my decision to recap it for y’all because I need to be drunk to get through an episode. Who the fuck shoots at someone else’s shit? Is this stereotypical redneck bullshit necessary? What the actual fuck does Discovery think they’re doing with this awful shit? Yes, let the guy shoot the other guy’s fake bird they use to attract tuna and cause $400 in property damage. What a good example for kids. For fuck’s sakes.

The next part of the segment is Nick explaining how in high school, he was voted “most likely to be paid to kill things.” We all have our strengths, I guess. His captain explains that shooting at other people is apparently socially acceptable in the Outer Banks. He also says such gems as “where there’s life, there’s tuna.” Amazing. It’s like Larry the Cable Guy goes tuna fishing.

The Doghouse is apparently the name of a boat on this show, and one of their particularly hirsute crewmates is able to catch a fish.

How much hair does one man need?

How much hair does one man need?

One of the other boats points out that the Hard Merchandise is “a complete rustbucket”, probably because of that time it sank and all.

Over on Stonerboat, they catch a fish, and something goes wrong (I wasn’t paying attention to anything), so they have to “hand line” it, which is Paul Hebert’s strong suit, I guess. He says “if this fish pulls all this line, I’m goin’ overboard!” MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT ON A LIFEJACKET THEN? JUST SAYIN.

There’s High Drama Fishing and Tyler is all like “Paul’s life is on the line, this is a war!” Um, no. A war is a war, you’re on the ocean catching a fucking fish for ten thousand dollars. I hope some aging veteran kicks him in the balls. “Stay right in neutral, here come the squid!” “This is a battle right here!” SQUID ARE NOT A BATTLE WORTHY OPPONENT. THEY’RE NOT EVEN ARMED. HAHAH GET IT.

When the Hot Tuna in a completely not at all staged moment realizes the Pinwheel has joined them, TJ Ott laments how much he’s “tired of Tyler and his stupid little T-Rex arms.” Ha!

Back on Crazyboat, that first mate again threatens to murder a boatful of people with a gun and we’re supposed to think it’s funny or something, and there’s some woo-hooing, and wearing of camouflage, and they reel a fish. Am I seriously the only one terrified that this guy is one wrong Value Meal away from doing harm to the general public?

The Hard Merchandise reels one, and finally! Dave Marciano is smoking a cigarette for the first time this season. He went 1.5 episodes without one! C’mon, quit, dude! But it’s a small random fish, womp womp.

The Pinwheel ends up trying to get some other boat off a low-tide sandbar it had gotten stuck on. Paul yells “Even Einstein knows better, and he’s dead!” I can’t, with this.

They get the boat off, return home, sell a fish, and the episode is finally fucking over and I go to bed.

%d bloggers like this: