The Gloucester Clam’s Tournament of Shitty Intersections: SEMIFINALLLS!

Oh dang, folks! We move into the semifinals of our very own Tournament of Shitty Intersections today. I can feel the excitement in the air from here, dudes. We’re down to four competitors. Let’s see what matchup we have today.

intersections

Centennial & Washington vs Flannagan Square.

In a stunning upset, Centennial & Washington KO’d the heavily favored (by me) Tally’s Corner. We’ll miss Tally’s Corner and the fact that it made no sense, made everybody angry, and also had oddly-painted tow trucks idling half on the sidewalk (I don’t want Playtime with the Magic Man, thankyouverymuch). But, Centennial and Washington is worthy of its inclusion into the final four. From your warm seat inside George’s Coffee Shop, you can enjoy a backhoe scoop’s worth of blueberry pancakes and watch the shitshow unfold. And we suggest you should. There’s the Creepers – the people tired of waiting on Centennial to turn left, and so just eventually inch out into traffic. The Oblivous Parkers – the folks parked on either side of the street, most likely picking up their Keno winnings from Tony’s Variety, who just start driving without looking over their shoulder to safely enter traffic. And then there’s the Selfish Folks – people that observe about ten cars have passed in either direction on Washington but don’t even think about letting someone turn in front of them, ever. Washington and Centennial is the kind of intersection where you see broken glass and taillight fragments and never wonder how the accident happened.

Flannagan Square is nearly identical in its level of chaos per car. Why does no one understand a two-way stop here? It’s like a four-way stop, but half as irritating. If there is a tie, the person on the right goes. You stop at the stop line after the car in front of you proceeds. You and the plumbing van in front of you aren’t a goddamn train. Who are these sociopaths, anyway? One of the other fun parts of the intersection is when EVERYONE WANTS GAS AT THE SAME DANG TIME, like before a storm, or 3PM on a Tuesday. People will straight-up block off access to Main St to get gas for $3.09. They don’t care. You got a hair appointment? Not right now buddy, I’m sixth in line!

Stay tuned for the next two contestants to face off in our tournament!

3 thoughts on “The Gloucester Clam’s Tournament of Shitty Intersections: SEMIFINALLLS!

  1. I guess I’m a Selfish one, but the main reason why I don’t always let cars out of Centennial is that I typically am going south on Washington and they want to take a left, so that means if I stop and let them out our whole lane stops until there is a gap in the opposite lane.

    I also only work in Gloucester and live in a north shore town Not On Cape Ann, so I only have a rudimentary understanding of the intricacies of Gloucester’s obsession with stopping to let people into traffic.

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  2. You let people turn because if you stop, the other line will at some point stop, because you’re both stopping out of common courtesy. We’re “obsessed” because there are a lot of busy intersections without traffic lights, and if we didn’t ever stop for each other no one would ever get anywhere. Every time you sail down Washington past Centennial it’s because someone stopped for someone else.

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